All people are idiots. I am a people. Therefore, I must be an idiot. I don’t fully subscribe to this Aristotle-inspired syllogism, but I’ll go along with it, if only to escape charges of elitism. After all, my idiocy may not resemble the idiocy that deforms other people, but it is idiocy nonetheless; a more subtle variety, perhaps.

Idiocy has been on my mind since I succumbed to the habit of online social networking. With sapping software, I burrow under barriers erected by the idiot obstructionists, and sign in to a popular social networking site established by a rather unlikable idiot. Here, I reconnect with old friends, make new friends, post pictures of myself and my idiotic dog.

Living in the beguiling East for nearly two decades, I’ve lost touch with many friends and acquaintances from my youth. I now use the technologies at my disposal to seek out long lost roommates, band mates, ex-girlfriends, parents of friends, former co-workers, casual lovers, and various and sundry other individuals whose paths crossed mine on the road to the present.

In the intervening years, many of these people have become – idiots. Such a harsh verdict! Sadly, a just one. Allow me, a minor idiot, to offer proof of major idiocy. The following sample exchange should suffice:

My post: I had afternoon tea with a friend today, then took a long walk in the rain.

Friend I comments: Wear a condon [sic]! Hahahahaha

Friend II comments: Don’t drink tea!!!!!!!!! The tea farmers use child labor!!!!!

Friend III comments: You’ll caught a cold, dear!

Friend IV comments: wtf, i wanna do sarah palin from behind!

Friend V: I’m SING-ING in the RAIN, just SING-ING in the RAIN!

So, you see, the idiocy isn’t a figment of my imagination. I could give more examples, but I don’t want to spread idiocy, and I fear that more examples will only be used as a kind of template for idiots who are running low on idiotic comments.

Now stop right there. I know what you’re thinking: This guy thinks anyone who disagrees with his world view or sense of decency or use of the subjunctive is an idiot. Oh, how wrong you are! In fact, this guy welcomes contrary views, so long as they are germane to the subject of the post and adhere to the basic tenets of grammar (which some idiots believe is a government conspiracy to control idiots).

One last note directed to the voyeurs of social networking sites and those who, out of paranoia or fear of creditors, keep their privacy settings so limited as to make one wonder if perhaps they aren’t bigamists and fugitives; those who read posts but don’t comment on them; those who “like” comments but never offer one; those who only post pictures of their meals and pets; and other quasi participants in the online agora of ephemera. By all means remain passive turtles, but if you get an urge to poke your head out, keep it simple, short and on-point, lest some hack columnist label you an idiot. Singing, singing, in the rain.

End note: Sayonara to Casey Hall; a very forgiving editor. Thanks for the pulpit.