I’m in the mood for a crackdown. I don’t know what’s come over me, but I really want to crack down hard on something. My crackdown is going to last several months, then I’ll get back to the pre-crackdown order. But during the period of the crackdown, watch out.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to go after the typical activities that are the subject of crackdowns. This is going to be an atypical crackdown, focused on stuff that normally isn’t the focus of official crackdowns. That doesn’t mean it’s not entirely unofficial. It just means it’s abnormal.

There’s going to be zero tolerance. I won’t abide certain things. And I’ll detain my best friend Hank if he doesn’t toe the line. I’ll throw away the key and let Hank think long and hard about his transgression, which, a day earlier, I might’ve commended. (I didn’t tell Hank I was having a crackdown, so it all came as a surprise to him. I’m still not sure just how Hank violated the crackdown, but he must’ve, because he looked guilty as hell).

Poor Hank. I guess I should’ve told my pals that I was having a crackdown so they could be more careful. Unable to control the desire to punish (I sometimes fine people for walking funny and whistling), I sought out a psychologist, a crackpot, who told me to journal and pray for forgiveness.

Most people don’t know that crackdowns are hard work; they make you sleepy. I often need a nap around midday after a morning of cracking down on folks. And I don’t take on anything too major in the afternoon. I usually just crack down on children in the afternoon; their laughing and screaming and playing is quite upsetting to my personal social order.

In order for me to become richer and more powerful, I need to have these periodic spurts of intolerance. I can’t target everyone, so I just pick a couple of good friends to make examples of. In this way, my other friends fall in line. Kind of cool, eh? If they don’t fall in line, I whisper in their ear that I’m going to jab stickpins in their aunts’ ankles. Then they sing a different tune.