Jonathan has played the token white guy in more than 60 Chinese films and sitcoms. Not surprisingly, he has more than a few tales to tell about his experiences.

What is a Chinese script like? Dumb? Awesome? Today you get to judge for yourself. Below I’ve translated a scene from my latest show. The story (so the scene makes sense) is: I’m the American military attaché in Kunming during WWII. I’m on vacation. Dava, my subaltern, has brought me to his Tibetan village to chill out. While there, I fall in love with his hot sister Zhuoma. I’m Conway.

* * * *

Princess Zhuoma is sitting on the grass making a crown of flowers. A Tibetan Mastiff runs over to her. Zhuoma puts the crown of flowers on the Mastiff.

The sound of horse hooves becomes louder and louder. Zhuoma looks behind her. She sees Dava and Conway riding two majestic mounts.

Zhuoma naughtily puts her knuckle in her mouth and whistles. Conway’s white horse hears the whistle and rears back. Conway can’t hold on and falls onto the thick soft grass. Zhuoma laughs.

Conway: Miss Zhuoma, why do you want to mess with me?

Zhuoma: Who gave you permission to ride my little Bassa? Daddy, come here!

The little Mastiff, obeying, runs over to her.

Conway: Your dog is much more cultured and gentlemanly than your horse.

Zhuoma: Really? Do you want to feel the bite of his canines?

Conway: No! No, of course not! Just to hear that is too scary!

Conway rolls over and over on the grass. He ends facing the sky. The sky is so blue! The clouds float in it! Dava walks over and pulls Conway to his feet.

Dava: Conway, are you okay?

Conway: I am. Dava, I want to thank you. It was you who caused me to become acquainted with a true fairy of this mortal world!

As Conway says this he pulls out his camera and begins to unstoppably shoot the beautiful scene and Zhuoma. Freeze frame on each photo.

Conway: I want to shoot this amazingly beautiful view. I will send it to my mother. So she can see a work of art by God.

Zhuoma: But you must tell your mother that there are those who wish to bring the fire of war to this beautiful heaven on earth.

Dava awkwardly gives Zhuoma a glaring look.

Dava: Little Sister Zhuoma, it is not me who wants to bring war. It is the red army.

Zhuoma: But the Clouds of Spring Summit has reached a decision. You cannot go against it.

Dava wants to disagree strongly but Conway cuts in.

Conway: What is the Clouds of Spring Summit?

Dava: The Clouds of Spring Summit is the same as your American Congress. It is a type of democratic institution. All important decisions on the governance of Zhongdian are decided by this summit.

Conway (amazed and shocked): I would never have imagined that such a far away and isolated place could have such wonderful and perfect democratic principles. It makes me amazed!

Zhuoma: Mr Conway, if you have enough time, there are many, many more things about this place that will make you amazed.

Conway (in English): Can I be so lucky as to have you take me to these places where I will be amazed?!

Zhuoma (also in perfect English): Of course.

Conway: Aaaahhhhhh! I am really the luckiest and happiest man in the world!

Dava (still in Chinese): What are you two saying?

Conway (naughtily teasing): Dava, your English level has always been low. Who should we blame for this? (then to Zhuoma in English) If I want to say something just to you, we don’t have to be physically separated from pathetic Dava.

Zhuoma laughs. Suddenly a Black Tibetan Crane flies overhead. Zhuoma looks up at it. Her expression is melancholy.

Zhuoma (heartrendingly): Big Brother Dava look! The Black Tibetan Cranes are leaving!

Conway (foolishly and ignorantly): Black Tibetan Cranes?

Zhuoma: Black Tibetan Cranes are our Tibetan peoples’ friends. They are our magical birds.

Conway: Wow, quickly tell me! What kind of magic!

Zhuoma: INCREDIBLY LONG BORING STORY

Conway: Wow! That is such an amazing and beautiful story!

Dava: Little Sister Zhuoma, sing the song taught to us by Long Duo.

Zhuoma begins to sing and dance on the daffodils and poppies. Conway is so entranced that he tries to dance too. But he is bad at it.