I stood on a mountain in Tibet, my finger broken and purple, and said to my crew, “Seriously guys, I have to leave like right this minute or I won't make it to my brother's bachelor party in 50 hours.”

Thus began my saga.

They bundled me into this tiny cramped van, it started to rain and we set off.

They called it a road. But that was sort of bullshit because at best it was a gravel path dynamited out of the side of this vertical, thousand-foot cliff.

Didn't die. Got on the plane out of Tibet. Arrived in Beijing

Got on the damn “to America” plane and it pretty much sucked ass.

Sucky Air Canada

They have these little seat back TVs that show movies. I got halfway through Iron Man II twice before the fugly stewardesses got on the intercom and said, 'Due to some people not being able to watch movies we'll have to reboot the system.” And that takes half an hour and then you have to fast forward back to your place.

The second time I was just like f**k it, I'll read. But the light over my seat didn't work. So I just sat in the dark.

Finally, later, after the system crashed again, I tried my light and it worked. So I read for a few hours. Then I got sleepy. I tried to turn it off. But I couldn't.

So for the next five hours everybody was looking at me like, what a total dick. And I tried to explain to the people sitting next to me, "Like man, the light it broken, I can't turn it off." But I can’t go to the whole plane and explain so I sat there under my spotlight while everybody gave me dirty looks. Finally the stewardess had a solution. So, on this multimillion dollar plane, she went and got some scotch tape and a business card and stuck it up over the little spotlight.

Finally when I couldn't sleep because the card kept falling off, I went to the stewardess and said, “Can I have a cup of coffee? She said, “No, you cannot.” I said, “Why?” and she said, “Because the seat belt sign is on.” I looked at her – 50, a pound of makeup, horrible fake smile, I looked at the plane – pitch dark (except for my seat) and silent with most people asleep (because they all got sick of watching half a movie). I complained to the stewardess, “Your plane sucks. And you've made me lose faith in the white race.”

But I made it. I got off the plane in LA. My brother picked me up and we got right on a plane to Oakland, where he lives. Three beers, two Ambien, and two Benadryl later I was out. Seven the next morning my two cousins yelled at me, “Get up dude.” I unscrambled my brain, staggered out of the bedroom and said, “Yeah, let's do it.”