Repatriating with Kids

Leah Stickley

Growing up, every year there were the new kids at school who stood out because they had lived in another country. There was Hilary who had an interesting scar on her face from an insect bite received in a tropical locale. There was Mike the American (but only because of his accent) and super exotic Sam from Australia who told us tales of redback spiders on the doorstep. They were all British, but not British, if you know what I mean. They knew they weren’t the same as the rest of the class – we let them know it every day – so it's important that these kids returning ‘home’ get as much support as possible during their repatriation process.

The repatriation process is daunting for adults and equally for children. There is no rule book on how to ensure a smooth re-integration for your children into your home culture; the only certainty is that which is true for most of the repatriation process – ‘it depends’. It is not possible to discuss all the factors in this short article, so I suggest dipping into Robin Pascoe’s Homeward Bound and Raising Global Nomads and Ruth Van Reken’s Third Culture Kids. To put it briefly, the younger the child, the easier it potentially becomes as their needs are less connected to their environment. The main worry for my five year old friend returning home was not having ayi around to wait on her! As children get older, the concerns become centred on friendships – leaving and making new ones and fitting into the new environment. Issues about identity may also arise. As an adult who has lived overseas for half my life, I struggle with the question, ‘Where are you from?’. For a child, this may pose even more problems.

Start From the Beginning

For those of you who have just begun your international assignment, the repatriation process for your kids starts now. You want your children to enjoy the experience of a new and different culture, but going totally native may not help with re-integration into your home culture. It is best to balance the two while abroad. This is done by maintaining your own cultural traditions and keeping up to date with popular culture. One client recounted the story of her daughter returning to Canada for university. One night, her daughter called very upset because she didn’t understand why her friends were so excited about an ice hockey result. Not having lived in Canada for a large part of her life, she didn’t feel the passion that ice hockey stirs in her fellow Canadians.

These days, technology makes it possible for children to watch their favourite TV programs while overseas (or buy the DVD) and stay in touch via various social media platforms. It also enables them to talk to family and friends cheaply, thus maintaining important relationships. So during your international assignment, maintain an interest in home while at the same time exploring your new world.

Get Familiar

For those of you coming to the end of your assignment, you may be debating about when to tell your children they are leaving and moving back to your country of origin. A fellow repatriation coach, Louise Wiles of Success Abroad Coaching, believes children should be involved in the relocation experience. As expats, your children will probably already have experienced friends coming and going, so it’s a normal part of each school term/year. By involving your children and setting positive expectations, you normalise the situation and familiarise your children with the new environment.

It can be really helpful to see the transition through the eyes of your children. Remember that the country that you call ‘home’ may not be familiar to your children in the same way as it is to you, especially if they have never lived there or do not remember the days when they did. Take time to understand how they see the country. Help them to understand how their experience of living abroad has given them a wider and therefore more valuable outlook and perspective on life.

Say Your Goodbyes

Saying goodbye is an important part of the leaving process. Perhaps plan a party or a special event at which you children can say goodbye. Plan your last few days with care as you may have a list of things to do before you leave, so too may your child. Have a family list, delegating some of the organising to your children. I found staying in a hotel and then having a short holiday before moving into the new home helped clearly draw a line between the old and new life.

Get Settled

Upon arrival, providing your children with some R’n’R is essential. R’n’R here stands for rituals and routines. Getting these established quickly will increase certainty and therefore lessen anxiety. Go with your child’s flow when signing up for after school clubs and socialising. For my little five year old friend, after four weeks, she’s beginning to ask if her new best friend can come over to play. Another young returnee I know had play dates within the first week of being back in the UK.

In conclusion, the stresses of repatriation with your child can be reduced by normalising the situation and discussing the changes that are coming up. This leads to a sense of familiarity and increased certainty about the future and your little one's life back home.

Leah is Chief Peeler at The Onion Peelers and Senior Coach at Expat-Repat Coaching, a service for international assignees and their families. For further information and assistance, contact Leah at [email protected]. Web: www.theonionpeelers.com