The Point of No Return?
You've been with your significant other for a while now – years, decades even, and things have gotten to the point where they just don't seem like they are going to work out. Is it really time to call it quits? Are you ready for it? Local relationship counsellor Luis Murillo discusses the difficulties relationships can have and when it's time to go your separate ways.
Relationships can be hindered not only by an inability to connect with our partners, but also by an inability to connect with ourselves, to take an introspective attitude and know where we are coming from. In his own practice as a counsellor in Shanghai, Luis Murillo finds the role of introspection essential in his psychodynamic approach to counselling, an approach based on the psychology of Freud and psychoanalysis. Murillo explains “Psychoanalysis is a form of introspection. It's a way for a person to understand their weak spots. It's important because these are things that will frequently rear their head during a relationship. Freud had a theory about memory. He believed that the human consciousness is made up of memories and they always leave a trace, even if we're not aware of them.”
Therefore, success in a relationship in many respects comes down to our abilities not only to mediate with our partners, but also ourselves. Murillo notes that as a counsellor, he's seen many cases between couples where things spin out of control, often without either party being acutely aware of the triggers or hidden memories at work. “Gestures and words can destroy a relationship because they resonate in a certain way. They have more to do with the partner on the receiving end and all they have been through before.”
Of course, in Shanghai communicating with ourselves is often just as difficult as communicating with our partner, if not more so. “I think Shanghai has issues with work/life balance, people have to really know how much they value a relationship here. Is it an accessory or is there a driving force behind the relationship? Both scenarios can work, but each partner needs to plan accordingly.”
A bit of soul searching is essential for revealing where a relationship is going. However, getting together and speaking honestly about its status is still a difficult thing. “Shanghai is a very fast centrifuge that takes you from your partner and your feelings. Here it's often all about performance and competition. It's not about the other person's feelings or even your own feelings.”
Perhaps because of the pressures of fast-paced Shanghai life, misunderstandings of ourselves or each other, relationships can come to the point of crisis. At this point, each partner needs to decide what they can get out of the relationship and if it's still worth pursuing. “In counselling, I like to illustrate a moment of crisis by using an aviation analogy. In aviation there's a speed called V1, which is the maximum speed a plane can go during take-off before it must launch in order to avoid disaster. I help couples to figure out what their V1 is. Because once they reach that point, it's the point of no return.”
And when discussing the limits we have with our partners, unfortunately we sometimes realise that that limit has been breached. What exactly that limit is, comes in all forms. “There is no algorithm, no flow chart for how it works. The only red flag is the appearance of violence. Aside from that, a major problem is often when partners perceive that there are incompatible visions of value and that there's something keeping them from getting what they want.” This could come in many guises: from desires about pursuing a new career, returning back to one's home country or the decision about whether or not to have children.
And what about infidelity? Isn't that also a red flag? Murillo doesn't see it that way. “My personal view is that infidelity is a symptom, not a core illness. Different couples deal with it in different ways. I recommend addressing it peripherally. Often, one can 'fix' the infidelity problem, but miss the real cause. What kind of dreams and fun do you have together? What do you communicate about your different needs? You'll get more mileage out of that.”
Still, there comes a time when it's time to call it quits. But before ending, Murillo recommends making one last inventory of each others' needs. Making a list and seeing what needs are fulfilled and which aren't makes it clear what needs to be changed and what can't be changed. This way, both parties see whether there might be one last chance for change or compromise or whether it simply won't work.
If you and your partner decide to go your separate ways, Murillo advises against giving into “the need to humiliate the other person. That's wrong. Just because a person we love can no longer fulfil our needs that's not a reason to denigrate them. People also should avoid making decisions under a stage of depression when their thinking isn't clear.”
And if someone has made a rational, coolheaded decision that they want out of the relationship for good, then Murillo finds that's truly the end. “People sometimes come to a counsellor like they go to an auto mechanic. But we're not dealing with mechanisms, we’re dealing with free agents. I can't reprogram people's feelings. Once one of the partners sees clearly that they don't want to continue the relationship any more, then that's it.”
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