On the van ride from Boracay’s pier to our hotel we passed two Filipino pre-schoolers wearing plastic bags over their heads to protect them from the heavy rain. Sure, their clothes were soaked and they were toying with asphyxiation, but their smiles said this: they weren't on a Chinese package tour.

I was in Boracay at the invitation of the Philippines Tourism board, after flying in from Shanghai the previous evening. The ‘direct’ flight, which only departs at 3.30am, arrives in Kalibo, a two hour bus ride from Caticlan, itself a short boat ride from Boracay. The trip was cleverly designed to keep us up all night. It broke our wills, dismantled our identities, and led to the construction of something bigger, something better: a tour group.

And what a group we were. A medley of print and TV media, tourism officials and family tag-alongs, as well as two honeymooners, the winners of an online competition.

We arrived at the Seraph, a studiously garish Korean hotel. In my unit, paintings of pirate ships were beset on all sides by the ominous weather of oversized floral print wallpaper. Out the window, purple and red fairy lights were strung through dead trees to look like blossoms. If there were a Filipino John Connor, and robot arborists of the future wanted to kill him, they would send trees like these back in time to get him.

When the rain let up, we dutifully assembled and set out for a walk on the beach. Even overcast, and me overtired, Boracay's beaches are magnificent – the surf sneaking in low, and the palms above throwing their leaves back in the wind. I posed for too many photos with aunties, then we walked to the shops and I bought my only souvenir, a power socket adaptor.

The next day dawned fine, and we went fishing. For many, it was their first time, and there was something positively restorative in the joy they took in plucking 'Nemos' and other reef fish from the coral below. Then Tony the tour guide showed us how holding a cigarette up to the gulping mouth of a fish out of water makes it look “like it’s smoking”.