Dear Natasha,

My boyfriend cheated on me and when I found out, I immediately reacted with fury. I dumped his ass.

But I'm still crushed.What can I do to get back on the, er, "horse"?

Signed,

Giddyup

Dear Giddyup,

Welcome to the club, Giddyup. Many fellow readers, and I too, have been cheated on. Rule Number One of starting over: remember you're not alone in feeling shitty.

Betrayal always, always, always feels like throwing up Sambuca. You think it'll never stop. It burns, oh it burns! And just when you think it's gone, your stomach clenches and your teeth part against your will ... and ... blaaaaaaahhhhrg! Green stuff you don't remember eating is suddenly sprayed all over your favourite sparkly top.

But it will pass. Soon, you'll realise it's time to celebrate. You just freed yourself of an unhealthy attachment!

If his pants are falling down on another woman's floor before he says, "I think we should end this", you can do better. No matter how popular or charming this man is, he is still behaving like a child, looking out for his own interests instead of considering anybody else. Loyalty and honesty matter to you. They don't matter as much to him. Period.

Regardless of his screw-ups, your screw-ups and whatever misalignment of the stars you would like to blame, the bottom line is the same. He has just proven that satisfying himself is his number one priority. That, my friend, is a dangerous person for any woman, man, street cat, or even houseplant to depend upon! I wouldn't trust him with a fern. This man should not even be allowed to own a cactus. He will continue creating a pattern of neglect whenever it suits his needs, to be doing something more immediately gratifying.

You loved the top of the iceberg, the part you saw, but he's got a lot of dangerous stuff floating underneath, like that berg that sunk the Titanic. Steer clear, baby.

The worst is already over so don't waste a minute reliving it. Nobody's cheating on you right this moment. So what is going on around you? What do you see? If your answer is not "sexy, eligible bachelors", try looking around in the nicest bar you can afford to visit. You know, the kind of place that has a chic patio and attracts hip young things with MacBooks. Go somewhere classy, so you feel classy too. Who knows? Maybe you will meet someone who has both wealth in character and in stocks and bonds.

Why is it important to aim as high as possible? Because you can't sink any lower. A 55 year old guy taught me this in a Shanghai Starbucks.

I'll never forget the first time I found my way to Starbucks in Xintiandi. The tuna sandwiches tasted the way I liked them, and the cappuccino was comfortingly overpriced – it was just like being back at home. And some dude talked to me. (That was a big deal when I was living alone, unemployed, in the outskirts of town, with a six-word Mandarin vocab. I hardly ever spoke to anyone and was less often spoken to.)

Then in this Starbucks, a totally random guy turned to me and asked, in English, whether I had a boyfriend. I said yes.

He asked "Is he rich?"

I said, "No."

"Well," he said, "Maybe you should aim for one who is. You know, rich men can be just as nice as poor men, but generally having money makes life a lot easier." At first I was insulted to my bohemian core. But as I grow older, I'm beginning to see some wisdom in his advice. I've dated people who were completely not "my type" and ended up happier than I was when I was seeking to fulfill a specific definition of "having a good time."

Whatever your "type" is, ditch it. Go meet some young bucks and enjoy getting to see the full spectrum of male personalities. Keeping promises and matching your values will matter more than outward appearances, so cast a wide net, then choose carefully.

While I admire your enthusiasm for a return to happy riding, don't rush into getting back on the horse. Take your time and pick a better mount this round.

xoxo

Natasha

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