Hello! I'm Back...
By Leah Stickley
Hello! I’m back…
But where is everyone? Where are my family and the friends that I have been keeping in touch with while living in Shanghai? What’s happened to the usual get-togethers and catch-ups? Additionally, why hasn’t anyone from Shanghai been in contact with me since I arrived back? Am I out of sight, out of mind? Hellooo?
This is not a vacation. The annual trip home is different; it’s a planned time where everyone makes that special effort to get together. It’s a time to catch up and reaffirm the bonds of family and friends that miraculously have survived over the past 20 years. After two or three weeks though, thoughts return to the fun of catching up with friends in Shanghai – going for a massage together, enjoying some Shanghai street food and planning the next short break from work to Vietnam. For your family and friends, they too plan the next visit to go see grandparents, the next family holiday over the summer and the kids’ weekend activity schedule. Life goes on.
Now that I’m back in my home country, I have moments of loneliness because my usual support group is not here, but eight hours ahead of me or five hours behind me. Sure I have my family and friends here, but they are busy getting on with their lives. There doesn’t seem to be a convenient time to call anyone and when I do, everyone is ‘just rushing out the door.’ As Craig Storti is accurate in saying in his book The Art of Coming Home, I feel as though there’s no one to listen to the story of my experience of living overseas and now the story of adjusting to life ‘back home.’
What did I expect to happen on my return? Firstly, I had a notion that there would be more of the fun get-togethers that have usually happened when I have previously come back for a short visit. I imagined ‘hanging out’ with my friends at the weekends, going to the theatre, cinema or pub with them. How naive I was! Somehow I thought I would pick up where I left off with the relationships I formed some 20 years ago. And yet the lifestyle of familiar people has significantly changed. No more boozy get-togethers because now everyone is driving, wants to get to bed early or needs to get up early for the kids. While I was away, many of my family and friends got married, bought houses and had children. They moved towns, got new jobs and some got made redundant. Their main priorities now are their respective spouses and children. When I came to visit, I was their priority as they were mine, and I assumed that they would have the time, energy and resources to help me settle and adjust. And yet for them now, weekends are family time, time with mum, dad and children, not occasionally returning aunties. It’s the time to do things around the house and with the children. Besides, having a visitor can create the extra stress of making up the bed, cooking a ‘proper’ meal and generally being on good behaviour.
From my friends in Shanghai, I had expected more contact. This thought however, is unfair. Why should people contact me more now that I’m not there? When I lived in Shanghai there were times when I would catch up with friends I hadn’t contacted for three months or longer. What’s more, I have worn the other shoe of those ‘left behind’ many times, and I know what happens. New people fill the space left by your old friend, and life goes on. Out of sight is unfortunately often out of mind, but this fact does not mean for me that the fundamental basis of these friendships has changed. I know that those true friendships will pick up where we left off.
How to remedy this feeling of loneliness? Firstly, as a coach I look at the language I have just used. The language patterns are absolutist and melodramatic – “everyone”, “no one”. I challenge those thoughts and ask, “Is it really true? Is it everyone?” Of course the answer is no. When I create a list of people I’ve been in touch with since returning, I find that actually, all of the important people in my life have been in touch (and I do mean ALL). Reflecting the support I have in my journal helps remind me that although I may not be their number one priority, I am important to my family and friends in the UK and abroad.
As a coach, I ask myself what I want to happen and whose responsibility is it to make this happen? It’s first and foremost my responsibility to reach out to others and let them know my needs. Personally, one of the reasons for my coming back to the UK was to build closer relationships with my nephews and nieces. And this, being what I want, is therefore my responsibility to make it happen.
Living overseas has changed me, that’s for sure, and likewise my family and friends’ lives have also changed. For the past 20 years I’ve been the intermittent visitor dropping in for a day or two bearing gifts. It’s important that I remind myself that my loved ones are also adjusting to the change that I’m now here, an hour’s drive away. It’s also important that I take time to step back and remind myself that the re-entry ride is going to be bumpy and that’s a given. Setting unrealistic expectations about friends and family contributes to these bumps, and I am responsible.
To ensure a smoother ride, when you return home, make sure you set realistic expectations, make it your responsibility to reach out to friends and family and be aware of what you tell yourself – it isn’t necessarily all true.
