The Come Down
By Leah Stickley
Holiday over. Reality sinking in. Not going to the annual Robert Burns' supper. Not getting ready for Chinese New Year. Not hibernating during January because it’s so miserably cold outside. Not having a 2012 work plan. At the moment, I feel the need to be certain that I’ve made the right choice of packing up my life and moving back to the UK.
I’m heading for the Valley of Despair. Imagine a U with one side taller than the other. I’m on the shorter side, and I’m watching myself slide down to the bottom – The Valley of Despair or in my case, ‘What the - have I done?’ The idea is though that I will climb out of the valley on the higher side to a better place or higher level than where I started. The trick is to have a clear view of the top of this side and to maintain the vision.
This is what I learnt from my recent coaching session. Louise, my coach, is based in Portugal. I found her through LinkedIn, and we’ve been working together since October. She’s been through the expatriation and repatriation process before so understands where I’m coming from. Best of all, she’s patient, supportive and a great listener.
In the recent session, I asked her to ‘explain’ the change process, and she described the ‘U’ I have just discussed. Change involves unlearning and then learning or perhaps relearning different ways of being and doing. The end result though of any change ideally is better or more fulfilling than the current situation. The process will invariably involve emotional ups and downs as by nature, humans generally prefer a stable environment. Having a vision of the desired outcome of the change helps us ride the emotional roller coaster.
Maintaining the vision therefore is so important for maintaining levels of self-efficacy and certainty. By working with Louise I can reaffirm and clarify the vision or reasons and purpose of moving to the UK which in turn will help me see what needs to be done to climb up the high side of the U. Knowing what needs to be done and setting small achievable action steps increases my sense of self-efficacy and confidence.
Sounds easy, right?
Any change has its challenges. For example, my digestive system reacted to the change in water – nothing emotional or cognitive about it; it just reacted and adjusted itself. My body clock is still struggling with the dark mornings which are resulting in my sleeping later than I usually would or waking up at 5am (like today). Again nothing emotional or psychological about this. It just is. Knowing that my body needs time to adjust to the environment means that I’m not worried about my sleep pattern or digestion. It’s a normal part of the change process.
What is also normal but harder to accept are the emotional and psychological challenges. In the beginning, it’s normal to feel elated and euphoric about the familiarity of ‘home.’ I’m delighting in sights and sounds I haven’t seen for a long time. Yesterday, I was wandering around the garden, and I saw daffodils! I haven’t seen daffodils for … can’t remember how long. I saw a robin redbreast and heard a most beautiful dawn chorus. Today I saw a milk float!!
But little ‘shocks’ are starting to happen as I interact with the good people of ‘home’. How do I cope with a different world view? Here’s an example of what I mean. I took a taxi (RMB 80 to go six km!!) and chatted to the driver. I mentioned that I’d just come back from China and described the taxis to him mentioning, of course, the price difference. His reply? ‘Well what do you expect? It’s all slave labour over there.’ I had to catch myself from correcting him as I realised that that’s his world view, and he believes it. Plus I didn’t want to spend the next ten minutes in an enclosed space with someone defending his point whilst driving. Best to keep quiet.
Working with a coach helps me be aware of my reactions to my new environment. Self-awareness is crucial because I can choose my response to the challenges of coming weeks and months as I slide into the Valley and grope around for footholds to lift myself up to the place where I want to be.
Leah Stickley aka The Onion Peeler has made a name for herself in the learning and development industry over the last 11 years in Shanghai. Her brand – the Onion Peelers – is recognised for fun and innovative solutions to cross cultural training, team building and train the trainer programmes. Recently ICF ACTP certified as a professional coach, Leah is embarking on a new career – coaching for international assignment – including assessment, selection, expatriation and finally repatriation in one piece. For the rest of her journey home after living abroad for 20 years, click here.
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