Farewell Friends
What do you do when you see tears well in the eyes of the strongest woman you know because you’re leaving? I identify wholeheartedly with the emotion she’s feeling because I’ve been there before. When friends leave, there’s a terrible sense of abandonment and feeling of being left behind. Over the past 20 years of expat living, I’ve periodically found myself with no close friends at hand, and it can make you feel very lonely, even in a city of 20 million people. I always want to say goodbye to those moving on – more for my own feeling of closure than theirs. I feel sad for my own loss and anxious about the answer to the question: will I ever see you again, my dear friend? (This is the end, beautiful friend, this is the end. Thank you, Jim.)
Then – how to say goodbye to your friends? How to ensure that they will not feel alone? Here’s the stone for the two birds: organise parties where different groups of friends can meet each other and form new friendships. I’ve organised several parties over the last three weeks, and now I watch my friends getting along with their new friends. I’ve encouraged them to swap numbers and made them promise they’ll call each other, and so far this strategy is working wonderfully. It's working so well, in fact, that I actually am feeling a small pang of ‘Hey, what about me – I'm the one who's leaving?!’
It’s a personal choice of course. Some people like to leave quietly without a big fuss. Some throw big parties. Some organise many smaller parties to make sure all friends are included. Some do one-on-one dinners. Some don’t say goodbye at all. Some like me plan a combination. I’ve thrown the big party (but called it a Christmas party – I didn’t want tears); I've had the goodbye drink for friends who were going on holiday two weeks before Christmas and I've had one-on-ones with two dear friends – my support network over recent years.
It’s important therefore to ensure that you give your friends the chance to say goodbye. It’s also important that this is done a few days before you leave. In my work as a repatriation coach, I often suggest that the goodbyes are made before the last week. This gives you time to say farewell to your friends and also gives you time to focus on the next step.
Friendships in Shanghai develop quickly and are intense, but also temporal. Not many last beyond the outskirts of Shanghai unless you work at them and make the effort to stay in touch. Luckily, technology has made my world a lot smaller, and surprisingly the written word helps me keep in touch. The difference here though is that the written word is instantly delivered via short message on MSN, Skype, G-Chat, mobiles. I can talk to all friends and family via Skype at any time of the day (much to their annoyance!). I can do my work anywhere and at any time. This is important to remember because this move to the UK is a move to a different time, it’ll be easier to stay in touch.
As for me, I have a few more one-on-ones and one more group dinner. After that, I’m planning on spending the last couple of days by myself, saying my own good bye to this tart of a city. I too need closure and that’s a personal journey to be relished by me and me alone.
